Wait, what?

I found something in my phone's memo. I guess it was the time when my email had problems and I couldn't update my blog. So I kept it there. Here are the words :

Title : My dreams
On the road towards achieving your dreams, there will be bumps, tricky roads, or even dead ends. But don't give up just yet. There will also be other ways. There will always be a way to reach that destination. The perfect journey. So try and try again. InsyaAllah, sooner or later, you will reach it. Allah always gives us the best. May we embrace it with open hearts. :)

I can't even recall why I said all this. Haha. But I'm sure it was my words. I guess it was about some problems I faced on my dreams of becoming a lecturer. So there it is. I'm sharing my thoughts with you guys. Enjoy. :)

Thank you for reading. ;)

You don't deserve it

Sorry to say, korang dah tak layak untuk menerima layanan yang baik dari aku. Korang tak jaga hati aku, buat apa aku nak jaga hati korang? Aku mmg jahat. Aku bagi balik ape korang bagi kat aku. Tapi tu aku je ke yang jahat? Cuba korang pikir balik. Korang perlukan cermin. Korang tak layak untuk menilai aku. Korang semua sama je. Aku cuma membalas apa korang buat kat aku. Memang perangai aku macam tu. Tu sebab jangan start buat taik dengan aku. Kalau dah start, takkan habis. Ni pun aku dah cukup jaga hati dah tak cakap depan2. Kalau aku dah cakap depan2, kang kecik ati pulak kang. Korang bukan kawan aku yang betul2 kawan. Kalau korang betul kawan, aku boleh cakap lepas, dan korang takkan terasa. Tu sebab skrg ni aku tak cakap depan2. Lantak lah kalau nak cakap aku ni penakut ke ape. Ingat aku peduli? Dah lepas ape korang buat, takde ape dah yang aku peduli.

Sekadar luahan.

Habis madu sepah dibuang

Not a decent feeling to be left behind. Have you ever felt it? If you have, you know how hurtful it is.

So why do people do it? Why people leave behind other people? Are they appreciating each other enough? Are they thinking about other people's feelings?

Speaking for myself, I'm always left behind. From whom? From people quite close to me. My friends. Is it because of me? Or is it because of them? Am I not doing enough to be appreciated by you guys? I never leave people out. No matter what they've done to me, I never did it. Because I hate the feeling, so why should I do it to other people? Isn't that a wrong thing to do? Am I not appreciative enough? Or are you guys not appreciative enough? No one knows the answer. Because the answers will never be the same.

Why people do it? Because they're selfish. They only think of themselves. They don't care about what others feel. Because everyone wants to be happy, sometimes only for themselves.

Recent events made me think of a question I can never answer, "how well do we know our friends?". A dear friend of mine told me, "the more you know your friends, the more you don't know them". I guess that's quite true. The more we see what others do to us, the more we think about why they do it. Knowing something is not always a good thing. It makes you think, see people differently. Especially when the thing you found out, isn't exactly what you would like. And especially when it is from someone you trusted. It is indeed a difficult thing to put trust on someone. Maybe I made a mistake in choosing the person I trust. Maybe I trusted too much.

I'm used to it, being left behind. The first stage is always the most painful. But time always heals everything. Sadly, healing isn't enough. Wounds will always leave scars. Things will never be the same. Everything will be different.

That's all from me for tonight, a sleepless night.

Thank you for reading. Assalamualaikum.

Sharing is caring

So what's there to share? Why do we share? How do we share it? And to whom we are supposed to share?

That's the question that dwells in my mind after what has happened. For me, I share my problems, happiness, perceptions, thoughts, and all there is. I'm an open book. I always share. Everything, to everyone. I like to share. I love to share. Advices, opinions, suggestions, that's what I get for sharing. I'm a person who can't live alone, who can't live by myself. That's why I need friends. I share to those whom I trust. To those I think is best at giving me advices. And also to those that matters. Sometimes, people misunderstood my behaviour. They say I'm boasting, showing off. That's when I share my happiness. But there's still those who doesn't think like that. When I have problems, sometimes I tend to think only from my own perspective. That's why I share, for other people to give me more perspectives to see from.

But as a human being that is always imperfect, I also tend to not accept the other perspectives. Its difficult to accept what I don't want to accept. Only a few can convince me on that. A few. Sometimes my selfishness takes over me and want the other people to accept my point. That is me. A normal, imperfect human being.

I don't expect much. I can't expect much. That's never a good thing for me. But whatever I do, I always will. Hoping never brings happiness to me. But that is what I always do. Why? Because I'm made that way. Changing myself is very close to impossible. So face it, I'm always gonna be like this. And the consequences are, disappointments. life is full of it. No matter how low you hope, there will always be disappointments.

Why I'm saying all these? Because I'm sharing. My thoughts, my problems, my perceptions.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. :)

Me, myself and I

Tajuk bukan nak ckp psl diri aku sendiri. Tapi nak ckp psl ape org tgk kt diri aku. Maybe aku x nmpk macam mana org lain nmpk diri aku ni. Tapi aku xtau kenapa, hati aku kuat mengatakan yang ramai org x suka aku.

Mungkin ke sbb aku ni baran?
Mungkin ke sbb aku ni memaksa?
Mungkin ke sbb aku ni jahat?
Mungkin ke sbb aku ni poyo?
Atau mungkin ke sbb ni semua balasan terhadap dosa2 aku yang lepas?

Kalau nak cerita psl mungkin, bnyk lagi kemungkinan yang boleh jadi. Tapi aku xtau mana yang betul.

Kawan-kawan, anda kata ada cara aku yang slh, yang x sedap korg hadapi, yang korg rasa x boleh diterima, tegurlah. Tiada salahnye. Untuk kesedaran diri aku sendiri.

Tapi, adakah kau cukup 'kawan' untuk buat sebegitu untuk aku? Setahu aku, kawan sejati je yg mcm tu. Dan kawan sejati bukan senang nak jumpa. Apatah lagi nak kekal.

Kalau nak diceritakan pasal 'berkawan' ni, bnyk nak dikongsi. Tapi biarlah aku telan je semua. Demi kawan. :)

Semoga Allah terus dan terus beri aku petunjuk untuk jadi org yg lebih baik, dan kurang dibenci oleh org lain. Pendapat aku, jangan benci org, nnt org benci kita balik. Tu la yg aku buat selama ni. Tapi mungkin x cukup lagi. InsyaAllah, aku cuba lagi. :)

Sekian. Thank you for reading. Assalamualaikum.

Berkorban

Sesuatu yang membantu aku dalam mslh diri aku. Ye aku mmg panas baran. Dgn adenye bnde tu aku kawal baran aku. Iaitu dgn melepaskan geram kt situ. Maybe x bnyk mambantu, tp still membantu.

Sygnye, lepas ni aku dah xde bnde tu. Xtau la cane nk buat pasni. Sabar jelah.

Aku berkorban, demi kebaikan. Kebaikan kau, kebaikan aku, kebaikan semua. Lepas ni tenang la hidup harapnye. Amin.

Friends forever, friends forever.

Teringat mase part1 diploma kitorg ade masuk choral speaking. Tu salah satu line dlm sajak tu. "Friends forever, friends forever".

Ironic isn't it? Mmg dah nmpk bnde tu x betul. Ataupun 'friends' hanya sekadar atas nama. Sayang betul. Semua yang dah lalui sama2 tu mcm xde makna. Semua yg berlaku skrg mcm plastik. Mcm lynkan. Aku xleh hidup mcm tu. Bukan cara hidup aku kepura-puraan tu.

Aku stress gila kt shah alam ni. Aku nak balik jb. Nak g melaka. Nak g mana2 lah yang tenang. Yg boleh lupakan aku dr bnde2 ni semua.

Ya Allah, kuatkanlah hati hambamu ini. Berikan aku petunjuk, hidayah, semangat utk lalui ujian ni. Amin.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Redha

Aku xtau kenapa bnde ni jd skrg. Aku xtau ape slh aku. Aku xtau aku ade sakitkan hati org ke ape. Dr mata aku mmg aku x nmpk ape aku buat slh. Sedih jgk la mcm ni kan. Org yg buat aku ade la. Tp aku xde pun nak berdendam ke pape. Hmm.

Mungkin dah nasib badan. Mungkin sbb aku punya dosa2 lama. Mungkin ujian utk aku.

Tapi apakan daya. Aku redha. Aku boleh adapt. Aku boleh cuba. Walaupun ni bagi aku satu pengorbanan besar dan bnde yang aku xnak. Keadaan memaksa.

Aku cuba tabahkan diri. Aku cuba kuatkan hati.

Kawan, rakan, sahabat, sebenarnya sgt susah utk dicari.

Sekian. Terima kasih kepada yang membaca.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Aduhhh! Perangai tu cuba ubah skit. Ego tggi2 nak pegi mana? Bwk berubahlah.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone